The Superest Super Hero/ Fighter Plane Pilot/Italian Baker
Danny Brumar
Now what exactly is the Superest Super Hero/Fighter Plane Pilot/Italian Baker you may be asking yourself? Well he is the king of all kings; the fighter of all fighters; baker of all bakers. He was Longbranch. Longbranch Pennywhistle. But to those who knew him or knew of his doing, he was Admiral Lightning Bolt.
Our story begins with the good Admiral putting in a fresh batch of Italian bread. His thick side kick Rommel was standing next to him. Rommel resembled a something of a misshapen moose, and if he were a moose, his name would be Mike, or perhaps Montel. Yes-Montel the Moose- that sounds delightful. So as Longbranch was putting the bread in, he heard his phone ringing in the back. He rushed to get the ringing phone. As he did this Rommel sprinted to a batch of freshly baked bread and shoveled it into his oversized mouth, something which angered the Admiral very much. It wasn’t so much that he was eating the food, it was that he got spit all over the table, and I’m not taking like a little bit here and there; I’m talking EVERYWHERE. I’m telling you it was not a pretty sight. It was like aqua man had been riding a whale or something through their, or someone was crying or something like that, my point is there was a LOT of spit. So when Longbranch returned, you would think that he’d be upset or something of that nature; he wasn’t. He had a strange look on his face, like he’d seen a ghost-a big scary ghost that resembled Lady Gaga without makeup just scarier- so Rommel’s whipped sidekick instincts kicked in and he asked
“What’s wrong boss?”
“Well Rommel…” he began, “my mothers in town, and don’t get me wrong, I love my mommy, its just she never approves of the girls I date and you know that girl I’m dating right?”
“Shaniqua?” he answered
“Ya,” he said, “and I really like her. I’m just worried what my mother will say.”
“Hmmmmmmm” Rommel thought quietly to himself, “you’ve certainly got yourself in a pickle. And its not a good pickle like a dill, it’s a yucky one.”
“I know” said the Admiral
“Hey wait just one darn second here,” said Rommel, why don’t you introduce your lady friend to your mom, and if she doesn’t approve you can get your mom into some sticky situation like stuck in a vat of molasses or something like that, and you wont be able to save her, and your girl will just happen to come around a save her.”
“Rommel that’s so crazy it just might work.”
“Thank you sir.”
“Your quite welcome” Longbranch said, “oh and Rommel.”
“Yes sir.” He said back
“Nobody likes a suck up.”
“Yes sir.” He said with disappointment.
A few days later…
“HELP!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!” shrieked Mrs.
Pennywhistle from a vat of bubbling molasses.
“Ill save you!” came a voice from the shadows. It was Shaniqua, ready to save Mrs. Pennywhistle from the bubbling vat. She reached out and grabbed her hand. The deed was done, Mrs. Pennywhistle was safe, and Shaniqua was a hero. Admiral Lightning Bolt came rushing through the door with his fuchsia, skin tight suit and orange cape.
“Mother!!!!” he yelled, “y-your alive”
“OOOOOOO you best believe it boy, and its not thanks to you. Your lucky this FFFFIIIINNNNEEE gal of yours was here or id be baked into cookies and devoured by overweight adolescents watching there hippety hoppety rap videos and listening to the Jay Digetty and Snoop Puppy Dog and what not. OOOOOO boy I oughta slap you into last week.”
“Sorry mommy…” mumbled the Admiral as his mother dragged him out of the molasses warehouse by his ears going on and on with something about rap and child hood obesity.
